Everyone wants to meet Mr/Ms Right and when we do we are in heaven.
There is a rainbow in every dark cloud and beauty in every sullen face we see. All that we see is the beloved’s visage and we feel their presence as a constant wave of bliss in our hearts. The romance phase is glorious.
Yet at some time in the relationship, a break in that wonderful state occurs. It’s inevitable in any relationship.
Maybe we are in a group of friends and our loved one innocently says a demeaning remark to us and we are hurt. We talk to them later and suddenly Mr/Ms Right turns into Mr/Ms Needs to be Right.
The Pseudo-Apology
They have a hard time apologizing and actually seeing our hurt. They may say the words “I am sorry” but it is often accompanied with an explanation or a justification of why they made the remark or a long involved story of what influenced them to say what they said.
Or they confess innocence or even blame us for being too sensitive. No matter how much you tell them of your hurt they just get more entrenched in their story. They may even argue with you to defend themselves. You can present your pain to them for hours and they still won’t see what they did.
It’s a shock to you and you wonder where Mr/Ms Right went.
What Happened to Mr/Ms Right?
I have observed this personality in my relationships, friendships and at work. And often the reason Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right takes over is because they are triggered by earlier experiences of being shamed humiliated or made wrong and stupid by parents or friends when they have spontaneously shared an opinion or innocently made a mistake.
It’s a painful trauma to them.
They don’t want to admit a wrong because those old feelings flood into their consciousness and you remind them of that pain. They do what they had to do back then:
Dig in their heels and defend themselves. To admit a wrong is akin to annihilation to them. Its death.
For Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right they look at being presented with their error as a threat and instead of using this as an opportunity to resolve an issue and get closer to you they see it as a conflict to win.
To be in a working, friendship or intimate relationship with such a personality eventually becomes very difficult. You are trying to work on resolving the issue thinking they are on the same page but they have a different agenda which is to be right and win. Discussions become heated arguments.
The conflict can go on for hours.
Crazy-Making
Eventually there is an apology but it’s only a pseudo- apology as above. It’s just an explanation. The problem only gets half-resolved.
And because it only gets half-resolved it comes up later and Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right will offer a new rationalization of the incident that takes away the former apology.
You start to feel crazy because you are caught between a truth and a non-truth. Whenever there is an issue to be resolved they start off as the Mr/Ms Right you fell in love with. It appears that they are trying to resolve a problem but when presented with their mistake they become Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right and go into defense and win mode and the apology is not real.
Eventually you begin to shut down around that person. They may then even blame you for not being loving enough or becoming distant.
Self-Recrimination
The unsolved issues create a tension in the relationship and you may in an attempt to reduce that tension take on excessive blame, often apologizing for your personality or creating the circumstances in which the person made an error. It becomes self-demeaning.
“I am sorry I was in the way when you dropped that rock on my head”.
But this never works as your inner strength, self-image, inner peace erodes, and over time sometimes leads to mental health issues like depression. A push-pull dynamic often happens as your loved often presents the Mr/Ms Right you fell in love with and then without warning becomes Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right.
This kind of relationship can often become extremely painful and toxic.
I have seen very damaging break-ups where husbands and wives are using money, in-laws, lawyers and even the kids to get even with one another. Both people in the couple get reactive and lash out in unhealthy ways. Often Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right, wins in the end but it’s a “Pyrrhic Victory” .The emotional and mental damage to everyone is so devastating that it takes years to heal.
There’s an old saying about relationships: “You can either be happy or be right”.
It’s so very sad to see the damage that is caused by people who used to deeply love each other when Mr/Ms Needs to Be Right shows up, when the solution could have been an easy self-reflective moment of self-responsibility with a simple brief apology.
It’s a deep tragedy.
Russell Scott